Cliche
by Onileo
Summary: ...when good plot devices go bad...  Rated for mild language and non-explicit adult themes.


A/N: None of the following is meant to offend any of my illustrious fellow writers. I am guilty of probably all of the cliché moments below, so it pokes as much fun at myself as anyone. I hope you get a good laugh, but whatever you do, don't take it seriously!

Cliché

Ino sat on her couch, watching the flowers sway in the window box of her apartment, utterly bored. She had finished her training hours ago, shopped with Sakura until they were both broke and satisfied, and dropped by the flower shop to help her mom until it was closing time. Now she had nothing left to do, even her eyes forsaking the television screen in search of entertainment out the window. Near the top of her view and outlined on the rooftop across the street sat Shikamaru and Choji, one stretched out on a slab of concrete, gaze lifted to the heavens, while the other lounged close, his perfunctory bag of potato chips at the ready. A serene smile found her lips as she watched them, then turned to a frown when she realized how close to the edge they were. One wrong shift and Shikamaru would be rolling to the pavement below.

She was about to shout up to them and warn them of the danger, when a puff of smoke heralded the arrival of an ANBU messenger. Jumping up in surprise and coughing slightly, Ino faced the intruder into her private domain. Good mood cleanly gone, she stared him down, hands on her hips.

"Don't you guys know what a door is? You're stinking up my apartment with that crap."

The ANBU, feeling less than charitable over the fact that after all the training and rigorous tests he went through to get into the Black Ops he was reduced to summoning lesser ninja to the Hokage's office, merely stared at her a moment before delivering his message.

"The Hokage wants to see you right away."

Then he was gone in another puff of smoke, leaving Ino glaring at the bits of dirt on her carpet where he had stood a moment before. With a sigh she gave up on her anger and headed to the bedroom to change out of the blue sundress she had gone shopping in and into her standard shinobi outfit.

When she arrived at the Hokage Tower, she knocked politely at Tsunade's door and waited for the slurred murmuring that equaled an 'enter'. Walking in, she shook her head at the unsurprising sight of the ninja leader. Actually though, not much of the medical genius could be seen. Stacks of paperwork, nearly level with the ceiling now, covered most of the desk, leaving only peeks of dirty blonde showing between the towers of pale white. The stench of alcohol was in the air, and Ino wondered for the millionth time this week why her boss wasn't fired for drinking on the job. It sure as hell wouldn't be tolerated from anyone else. She could just imagine what would be said if Team Asuma were sent on an escort mission and went bar hopping at the next village instead. The results would be disastrous.

"Shizune!" the stacks of paper suddenly roared.

The sound of heels clicking on tile preceded the arrival of the previously summoned medical ninja, pet pig in tow. In her arms she carried a pitcher of coffee, two mugs, and a scroll. Without a word she walked around the mountain of a desk to the other side. Ino held her breath as tense words were exchanged, waiting for a reaction. She wasn't disappointed, and had to duck her head as the carafe went sailing over the white mountain, quickly staining brown on the top layers, and crashed into the wall. The cups followed a now scurrying Shizune as she fled, tossing Ino a sealed scroll as she passed.

"Tea Country; Daimyo; solo mission; leave in an hour!" she shouted over her shoulder as the door slammed behind her.

Ino stared in horror at the parchment in her hands, then at the door, then at the desk as a few sheets of paper fluttered to the floor.

A solo scroll mission.

Again.

Damn it all…

In a motion similar to Shizune's, Ino turned and ran from the room in a panic, without so much as a glance at the desk. Skidding to a halt as she remembered her manners, she raced back into the office, dipped into a low bow and with a breathless 'I'll do my best, Hokage-sama', was gone again. A loud snore was her only reply.

Five minutes later found her standing in the lobby of the hospital, glaring madly at the receptionist. It only took a moment for the woman to realize that she was indeed a Yamanaka and her threats of a waking nightmare without control of her own body were entirely plausible. Now white as the walls, she escorted Ino to Sakura's office personally, and left her there to wait. Ino barely had time to sit down when a blur of pink started by the open doorway. With a swiftness befitting her shinobi status, she jumped from the chair and yanked her best friend inside, scattering the clipboard and charts she had in her arms everywhere in the hall.

"Ino-pig!" the pinkette exclaimed in dismay, "What are you doing?"

"You have to help me, Forehead! I need an illness. Plague, dysentery, anything!"

"But we just did your yearly physical last week. Other than a touch of anemia, you're as healthy as a horse."

"Anemia! Fabulous. Is it fatal? …And did you just call me fat?"

Sakura shook her head at her best friend. "No and no. All you need to do is start taking a vitamin or eating more red meat to make sure your body gets plenty of iron. It would take a long time for the condition to develop into something life threatening for an adult."

Ino grabbed Sakura by the front of her shirt and pulled her close. "I don't have that kind of time! They are sending me on a scroll mission! Alone! You know what happens when they do that!"

Sakura gave her friend a sympathetic look before shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Ino, there's nothing I can do."

Ino's pleading turned to angry defeat. "I figured you of all people would understand. How many times has it happened to you, Sakura? How many times have they sent you out there alone, only to get kidnapped, fall in love, have your heart broken when it inevitably doesn't work out, and come crawling back to the village with your tail between your legs? How many times?"

When Sakura spoke next, her voice was soft and tears were shining in her eyes. "I know, Ino, but there's nothing we can do. The missions come straight from the Hokage, and her word is final."

With a heavy sigh of concession, Ino released her, and in silence marched stolidly past the still scattered charts and down the hallway and out of sight. She spoke to no one as she stepped outside and into the sunlight. It wasn't fair for the day to be so nice when she was so miserable. Heading down the sidewalk, she watched as Moegi and Usagi dodged around her, eyes darting wildly around before she impatiently pointed out Konohamaru's obviously-not-a-rock hiding spot on the edge of the road. They started to cry foul at her, but were easily quelled by the sight of Team Gai and their second favorite playmate, Rock Lee. They swarmed over him as he greeted them with enthusiasm, begging for a new game to play. Neji and Tenten looked on, one smiling while the other frowned in perplexity.

Passing by Ichiraku's next, Ino was nearly steamrolled by Naruto, who dashed out from behind the curtains, still slurping up his last noodle. He gave her an apologetic grin as he rubbed the back of his head before taking off toward the training grounds. It occurred to her that all those carbs were responsible for his insane level of energy, but he never seemed to crash from it. She snorted to herself. If she ever even thought about trying, she would just get fat.

A laugh diverted her attention to the dango shop next door, where she could see Anko sitting at a table across from Kurenai and her sensei. Asuma had his arm around the red-eyed jounin, an utterly besotted look on his face. The sight threatened to undo her frustration in an instant, but she held fast, barely managing a nod at Kiba and Shino, who were lounging beneath a tree just up the street as they unofficially played escort for their team leader.

But as she passed by and closed in on her street, she wanted to run back and reach out to them, any of them, and beg them to help her. But what Sakura had said was all too right, and she knew her pleas would be useless. The Hokage's word was absolute, and even if she defied it anyway and left the village, the same thing would happen to her regardless. The will of the kami was just as cruel as her drunken mistress.

So she went back to her apartment and packed her bag, leaving all her more valuable weapons and clothes behind. They would only get lost or confiscated anyway. Then she stopped at her parents' house and bid them farewell. She didn't tell them anything other than the fact she had a mission; there was no use to worry them more than they were already going to be. With one last glare at the Hokage Tower, she made her way to the front gates, stepping around Kakashi as he leaned against a light post, nose solidly in one of his books. She signed out and set off into the forest, the permanent peacefulness of Konoha leeching out of her with the descending sun.

Even though the road was the safest way to go she took to the trees, needing their solitude to comfort her. If she met anyone for the next couple of hours, she was sure to do something out of desperation that would infringe upon her self-imposed morals. So she tree-hopped alone, steadily heading north, until twilight came and forced her to stop. And because she was still feeling rather defiant, she found a broad, open clearing, started a campfire that would have her sensei staring in horror, and set about cooking her cup of instant noodles. Her brain railed at her over the starch and empty calories as she ate, but she silenced it with a firm foot in the face. She was sure she would have it worked back off in no time. Besides, she had no other comfort food on her. Pitching her now empty container back into her pack, she rolled out her sleeping bag, snuggled down for the night, and fell fast asleep…

In the trees close by, a set of malicious eyes watched the lone kunoichi with interest. She was bold, uncaring, defiant. It struck a chord in him, and abandoning his current job of causing trouble in Northern Fire Country, he took to watching what she would do next…

Ino's fire had indeed drawn unwanted attention, and dawn found her fighting for her life against a pack of particularly skilled bandits. With twists, turns, and more than one distracting lift of her chest, she fought them off, until she was facing the last remaining two. She was just about to plunge into her final set of attacks when a shadow passed overhead. Glancing up, she noted the soft white underbelly of a large owl. Apprehension clenched her guts as she noted that the bird was smooth with no feathers.

"…Oh, shit!"

Dropping her kunai, she scrambled up the nearest thick tree as fast as she could, masking her chakra as she hid in the dense foliage. Deidara made a second pass over the disturbance, trying to make out what was happening below. Tobi sat precariously behind him, legs dangling over the side and kicking in almost childish glee. The bandits, who were thoroughly confused by their opponent's sudden disappearance, were standing there gawking at the woods and completely missed the goings on above. It was a shame too, because just as they were about to spot Ino, a clay crane made a dive for them, crashing into the ground between them and exploded in a burst of flame and heat.

Laughing sadistically, Deidara guided the bird away, Tobi's cheers trailing after on the wind. Once she was sure they were gone, Ino dropped from her newly scorched tree. The remains of the bandits were still smoking, their arms uselessly raised to shield their faces. With an almost grudging silent thanks to the destructive Adonis above, she gathered her things, which somehow made it out intact, and left as fast as she could. Not that she minded Deidara overly much, in fact the application of his brand of art in the bedroom was amazing, but if she had to listen to one more comment from Tobi on how they looked like siblings, she was going to die trying to strangle him to death. Better to just avoid the whole mess in the first place.

Sticking to the road this time in case Deidara decided to land in the woods, she continued on her journey towards Tea. As the sun rose high in the sky the weather grew quite warm, and soon she was wishing for more than the little shade spattered here and there on the dirt. Luckily, there was a tea house just ahead, situated along the road to take advantage of thirsty travelers like herself. She didn't see any wagons or horses outside, so the place was probably empty except for the owners.

But since she was on a scroll mission alone, and had already escaped fate once, she wasn't about to risk her freedom a second time. Masking her chakra, she slid over to the window and peered cautiously through the dusty pane. As her eyes adjusted to the dimmer light inside, she made out two figures sitting at a table. Or more precisely, one was sitting on the table, bare chested and legs crossed as he prayed, while the other sat on the bench at the table with a briefcase at his side and a stack of money in his hands. She could make out telltale bloodstains on the wall, and two bodies lay side by side on the floor. Ino slid down the side of the tea house silently.

Hidan and Kakuzu.

Time to go.

When hasty exit number two was deemed a success, Ino let herself relax minutely. She had definitely not wanted to go another round with those two. They were as gentle as a pair of starving lions, and considering the circumstances of her last departure, they were not likely to greet her with anything less than malice. Shikamaru had mounted a foolproof rescue mission, and when he came for her she actually wept on his shoulder as he carried her away. She had only done it so Konoha wouldn't know the truth about what had happened while she was imprisoned at their personal hideout, so she could save her reputation. If only she had known how little they actually cared…

But that was the past, and there was no use dwelling on it now. Easier said than done since, try as she might, she still couldn't wipe the images of Hidan and Kakuzu's faces as she left from her mind. They had let her go without a fight, knowing that she wouldn't want her friends to be killed on her account. But when she started crying wolf to Shikamaru, Kakuzu fell into a cold silence that she hadn't seen since she had unwillingly joined them, and Hidan looked so shocked that not a single curse passed his lips, and it looked as if he might start crying too.

Yes, it was best if she didn't cross paths with them again.

Deciding that choking Tobi was better than getting choked by Kakuzu, she plunged back into the woods. Surprisingly, she made it all the way to the border of Tea without further incident. The full moon was beginning to rise when she came across a swift moving river. It soon disappeared as heavy clouds from the north rolled in, bringing the promise of rain. She could hear a dull roar off to the left, indicating a low waterfall close by. Hope rose in her heart. Maybe there would be a cave behind the fall and she would have a place to stay that was out of sight and protected from the oncoming storm. She had learned her lesson about ignoring ninja practices this morning, and several minor wounds that she had forgotten reared up to remind her again. It wouldn't do for her to catch a cold while she was healing from her fight.

She found the waterfall, and the cave behind it, and settled down for the night. A hard wind picked up, blowing spray in on Ino and forcing her farther into the back of the cave to stay dry. Huddling in the darkness against the cool rocks, she struggled to stay awake. But the drone of the waterfall combined with the rain had her eyelids drooping minutes later. It wasn't until the sound of voices reached her that she realized she had fallen asleep and awakened again.

Tensing, she watched as two dark shapes entered the cave. One was impossibly large, with something slung over its shoulder, while the other was mere inches taller than she and thin. Both were soaked to the bone from the ceaseless downpour. Wishing she could see enough to identify her new companions, she held her breath as they sat down, the larger shape gently placing its bundle on the ground next to it. Then a low, sinfully smooth voice reached her ears, answered by one that was just the opposite, rumbling and higher pitched. She instantly knew who she was with, and cursed her luck.

Though she had never been officially kidnapped by Itachi and Kisame before, there was a first time for everything. But as she sat, willing herself to remain unseen despite knowing the capabilities of Itachi's Sharingan, something seemed off. It wasn't until she heard the rustle of fabric and Kisame's voice that she realized what it was.

"She's awake." he said.

Ino's body coiled tighter, prepared to fight her way out of the cave to freedom when Hinata's timid voice echoed back to her. "Wh-where am I?"

Kisame answered her quietly, and Ino relaxed. That was why they hadn't bothered with her. They already had their quota of kidnapped kunoichi. Though she was slightly put off at being ignored, she wasn't about to interfere. She didn't know what would happen to either herself or Hinata if she did, so she kept quiet. The rain let up a couple hours later, and her impromptu company departed, leaving her to wait for dawn alone.

When it arrived, Ino found herself in a bad mood. She was cold, tired from staying up all night, and her nerves were shot from so many encounters the previous day. She also felt guilty for leaving Hinata to her fate, though she was sure the quiet, polite girl would be just fine. It seemed that she had already won over Kisame, and there was no doubt Itachi would follow soon after. Exiting the cave, she shouldered her pack, which had miraculously survived again, and started toward the interior of Tea Country. She had made it a good half mile before she stopped dead in her tracks.

She had just ran across three teams of Akatsuki within mere miles of each other, all seeming to head in the same direction. That could only mean one thing.

Konoha was in trouble.

Turning around swiftly, she started to head back at a dead run when a blur dropped from one of the trees and landed directly in front of her. She jumped with a start as she came face to face with yet another shinobi, this one unfamiliar, but also dressed in an Akatsuki cloak. He had a shaggy mop of white hair, astonishing purple eyes, and the sharpened teeth that heralded his birth as a Mist ninja.

Frozen in her tracks, she met his gaze. The mischievousness she saw there made her stomach do a tiny flip as a chill ran up her spine. Mentally, she sighed as her body began its familiar dance of rebellion. So this was the one…

"Hey. The name's Suigetsu." he greeted her with a grin, though his voice sounded far from friendly.

Returning it with a coy smile, Ino brushed her long bangs out of her face so she could lay all the power of her blue eyes on him. "Ino."

Silence fell between them before she boldly stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her soft lips to his as he opened them in surprise. Might as well get this over with now; she had an ungrateful village to save… again.

The End

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A/N: Close that box, seal it, and mark it as officially shipped, cuz I have a new couple to toy with! Good thoughts? Bad thoughts? Random thoughts? Lay them on me!


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